Abdul-Ganiyy Raji

Many of us read earlier this week the sad story of the young lady who allegedly set her military husband ablaze in Akwa Ibom, Nigeria. The report making the rounds states that the couple had a misunderstanding, and the lady, out of anger, poured petrol on her husband while he was vulnerable at home and then set him on fire. Tragically, the man lost his life in this incident.

This incident happened just six months after their wedding. The wife was a nurse, while the husband was a military doctor. A promising life was cut short.

We cannot declare the lady guilty as charged until a court finds her guilty. If found guilty, she may face imprisonment or an even harsher punishment.

There are lessons for all of us to learn from this incident.

First, we need to know that there is no perfect marriage. It is normal for married people to experience disagreements and conflicts. Parents need to let their children know that it is normal for them to have misunderstandings with their spouses. Why wouldn’t they have conflicts? After all, they come from different backgrounds and have experienced different things in life. Therefore, they must know how to communicate with their spouses when there are issues — in a way that brings amicable solutions, not in a way that makes a situation worse. Patience, forgiveness, effective communication, mutual respect, and maturity must be the guiding principles of every marriage.

When a marriage becomes so abusive or toxic that one of the two parties starts feeling suicidal or thinking of taking the other person’s life, and no solution can work — not even marital counselling or an intervention by parents or a religious leader — at such a breaking point, Islam provides two exits, Talāq and Khul‘.

Talāq is the process by which a man peacefully divorces his wife as a last resort and final solution to an irreparably damaged marriage.

Khul‘ is the process whereby a woman seeks release from her husband if she finds her marriage abusive or unbearable and no other solution can work.

These two processes are allowed by Islam as final solutions to marital turbulence if all other solutions can no longer work.

A woman hated and divorced by one man does not need to commit suicide or kill her husband. A man left by a woman also does not need to become suicidal or take his wife’s life.

A man left by one woman will be loved by another woman, and a woman left by one man will be loved by another man. Divorce is not a disease if it becomes necessary.

No marriage should ever cost a life.

If a marriage gets to a point where it can no longer work, why not walk out alive instead of losing your life or taking the life of the other person?

Islam is a realistic religion. It will not tell you that your marriage will be perfect. It will tell you that a good marriage can still experience disagreements and conflicts. During conflicts, Islam encourages effective and polite communication, mutual respect, active listening, forgiveness, patience, seeking professional help or external counsel when necessary, and reconciliation.

However, if your marriage can no longer work, Islam will not force you to remain in it until you lose your life or your spouse’s life is lost.

A woman who kills her husband during a conflict will be sentenced to death or sent to jail. The same applies to a man who takes his wife’s life during a misunderstanding.

Just imagine if they have little kids, what happens to those kids? One of their parents is already dead. The second one is also going to be killed or sentenced to life imprisonment.

Marriage is not a prison or a death sentence. We need to know when to walk out if we can no longer cope.

Most people fear the shame that society is likely to subject them to if they choose to walk out. Ironically, the same people whose judgment you fear will be the ones to share your tragic story online if you are dead or sentenced to prison for taking your spouse’s life.